Fostering vs. Forcing: Preschool Apologies

 

“Cole told me that my shirt is an ugly color!!”

“Cole, please tell Malia that you’re sorry.”

“But it IS ugly!”

“That’s not nice, and it hurts Malia’s feelings. Please apologize.”

“Sooooooorrrrry, Malia.”

 

Sound familiar? Yeah. This happens so, so often. It happens at home and it happens in the classroom.

In my experience, preschool-aged children tend to say they’re sorry with one foot out the door, tingling with the excitement to get back to whatever they were doing. They apologize as quickly as possible, with a look like, “Okay? Are you happy? Can I go PLAY?”

In elementary school, a lovely eye-roll or some other show of “sorry-not-sorry” might accompany the forced apology, and then the students return to the activity they were previously engaged in. There is no genuine resolution to the issue, no exploration of how the other child felt, and no follow-up.

In both cases, we usually just make the kids say they’re sorry and go about our business.

Because we’re busy.

Because being told your shirt is an ugly color is really not the end of the world.

Because neither the kids nor you wants a lengthy discussion, anyway.

Because we think it helps the accuser feel heard.

Because we are teaching them to be kind to each other.

Because that’s what we’re supposed to do.

But IS that what we’re supposed to do? Is this REALLY teaching kids how to be kind to each other?

There are a few issues I want to explore on the topic of fostering versus forcing kindness. The first of these issues is that of apologizing. It’s one of the things we teach our kids at the youngest of ages, and we continue to work with them on it as they grow up. Because I think that there are enough differences between preschool- and elementary-aged children and the ways in which we can help foster kindness each stage, I’m going to further divide this topic into two posts: preschool and elementary apologies.

Preschool Apologies

As a parent, I consider it my job to help my son understand how to right his wrongs.

I try to model it for him by sincerely apologizing and giving him a big hug if I’ve done something I know was wrong. That part is easy, comes naturally, and is not too controversial.

But what about when he does something wrong? How can we guide our children to understand the importance of a sincere apology without making it into a routine that loses all meaning?

When Z hits, kicks, or screams at us, we wait for him to calm down and then we make him apologize to us for whatever it was he did before he can go back to his business—because that’s what I think we’re supposed to do. I don’t like that system, to be honest. It feels like a bribe. It feels like we’re teaching him that going through the motions gets you off the hook, whether you know what you’re doing or not.

I have been trying lately to have a brief conversation about why he should be saying sorry (“When you scream at Mommy and Daddy, it hurts our feelings and makes us sad”), to at least bring it into his consciousness. I don’t know if that’s doing any good, but it makes me feel better! I still have a lot of work to do in this area, I think.

A Better Way

My research on the topic of preschooler apologies has actually not yielded too many results, surprisingly. There are a lot of articles about teaching older children to right their wrongs in a more sincere way, but that is a blog post for another day (soon)!

One common thread that I noticed in many of the articles was that of modeling the appropriate behavior (yay me!) when we have wronged our children. Jennifer Matlack takes this concept one step further, recommending that we also verbally empathize with them: “Put her feelings into words. Offer a guess about how she felt when you lost your cool and snapped at her (‘You were probably scared when I yelled at you’).” I really like this approach and I’ll be trying to incorporate it into my apologies to Z.

Among other strategies for teaching young children to apologize, Dr. Sears suggests that we give them some time to cool off before encouraging them to say they’re sorry. Additionally, he says that we should be sure to explain why the apology is necessary—sort of like the brief conversations I’ve been trying out with Z.

Apologies and Empathy

The most poignant takeaway that I got from this research on preschoolers and apologies is that, in order to avoid the trap of the routine, get-me-outta-trouble-quickly apology, we should focus on the aspect of empathy.

The strategy of putting words to our children’s feelings as we say we are sorry to them models empathy—a great starting point for young children.

Speaking with our kids after they do something that warrants an apology is an opportunity to foster empathy. If we are sure to have real conversations about why the apology is needed and how the wronged person felt, we can help our children understand what it means to empathize. The hope is that, eventually, they will internalize this behavior and do it without our guidance…and later, they might offer sincere apologies all by themselves—no nagging necessary.

As with any other parenting “best practice,” fostering empathy by taking a few extra minutes each time our children treat someone badly is an ideal—it’s not always going to happen. We just have to do the best we can, and not beat ourselves up if we can’t do it every time.

Your Turn

I’d love to hear your strategies for fostering empathy and sincere apologies in young children. Please share in the comments!