“In His Cortex”: Tantrums and Self-Awareness

“In His Cortex”? What?

When I was an elementary school teacher, I once attended a staff development meeting about… well, I’m not sure what it was about, to be honest. But the speaker was an incredibly animated man with some quirky presentation habits. It’s probably due to these odd behaviors that I never forgot his presentation. Maybe he did it on purpose!

Anyway, this man talked about what our more challenging students were going through when they were having meltdowns. He described the very front part of the brain, the prefrontal cortex, as the place that was shutting down when the students were so emotionally charged. Because the prefrontal cortex deals with self-control, the shutting down of that portion of the brain leads to a shutting down of self-control. His point was, basically, that we needed to be patient with these students and not attempt to reason with them in that moment.

I’m not sure that he had it exactly right when he said the students’ prefrontal cortexes were shut down in those moments (this article describes it more like an issue of maturity of that particular part of the brain), but I think the takeaway was still powerful.

When we see our kids (students, who teachers often refer to as “their” kids, or our own children) melting down, many of us have the gut instinct to fix it, to talk to the child about why he or she is being unreasonable and to make the child see reason. When a child is in his cortex, as the presenter at our school put it, he is out of control and unable to have a reasonable discussion.

While this presentation helped me to get through many difficult situations as a teacher over the few years that followed, it has also helped me to better understand my 3-year-old son as he rages and writhes on the ground.

At this point, it seems that poor Z is met with some sort of catastrophe every other day or so. When he reacts in a way that is unacceptable in our family (hitting and shrieking at us are the main offenses), I take him over to our timeout spot and sit with him while he does his thing. Currently, his “thing” consists of screaming in VERY loud, short bursts, yelling at me that I’m being mean and that he doesn’t like me (on really bad days, he actually goes so far as to say he doesn’t love me—ouch), and rolling around on the floor, red-faced and crying.

He is SO in his cortex.

How Does All of This Relate to Self-Awareness?

While some experts assert that the best way to deal with a tantrum is to ignore it, others believe that children throwing fits need some guidance and support to get through it in a healthy way.

Patty Wipfler of Hand in Hand Parenting acknowledges what I have found to be true of my own child: when a child is in the middle of a tantrum, there is an emotional storm going on and he needs a kind force to help weather that storm. She mentions that it’s necessary for the child to get through the tantrum and let out all of the emotions, and that the parent should be close and listen to the child.

I agree with the idea that (as hard as it can be sometimes—especially in public places!) it is better to be calm and present while a child is going through a tantrum, but I wonder if just being there is truly enough. Can we use these moments—the moments just after our children emerge from being in their cortexes—as opportunities to develop our children’s self-awareness?

The Parent Toolkit explains that self-aware children can identify their “emotions and the causes for them, as well as [their] strengths and challenges.” They also state that when children are self-aware, they “are better-able to manage and express [their] emotions.” I think it is very important to help our children develop in a way that they can understand themselves and, therefore, express themselves in a more productive way.

Of course I don’t expect my preschooler—or ANY preschooler—to get to the point where he can be confronted with such alarming issues as “Mommy is wearing the wrong jacket” and think to himself, “Hmm. I was expecting Mommy to wear her other jacket. It is upsetting to me that she has changed her mind and is now wearing this one. It upsets me because it is not what I am used to. That is okay! Mommy can make her own decisions and it does not affect me!”

But I wonder if we can use these powerful, emotionally heavy episodes as a springboard for discussing feelings and how we might respond to those feelings in the future. I have started trying this out very minimally, as I don’t want to overwhelm the little guy. When I can see that he’s getting to a point where the tantrum is calming down, I sit him on my lap and hold him, and then try to name what I imagine he’s probably feeling: “Yeah, it’s really hard when we don’t get what we want. You must feel very disappointed that the coconut strips were too small,” or “I know you really wanted to watch TV this morning. You must be so frustrated that I’m not letting you do what you want.”

Before I end this post, let me be real. This is not always easy, and I do not always do it! Sometimes Z’s behavior is so bad that I have to leave the room and ask my husband to take over. And if he’s not home, I just have to leave the room. And sometimes, my tone is not very nice. We all get upset, and when it comes to our children it can be extremely difficult to stay calm and not take their outbursts personally.

I think, however, that keeping the goal in mind to discuss our children’s emotions when the opportunities arise is a great start. Perhaps, by focusing on helping our children develop self-awareness in the wake of a tantrum, we will begin to better understand them too, as an added bonus. And maybe this is all hogwash. These are the things we won’t know until the children are grown—but I think it is worth a shot!

What do you think??