Embracing Kindness

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How to Prepare Elementary-Aged Kids for Middle School

Researching and writing this blog post brought to the surface many of my latent heebie jeebies surrounding my own experience in middle school.

I first thought of the topic a SUPER long time ago, then let it sit in the back of my brain for months. I finally sat at my desk with a huge sigh and started my research and outline. That work became an untouched resident of my Drafts folder for another month.

Some Context

Middle school was not… the BEST experience for me (I elaborate on that a bit in this old post). In fact, I may or may not be working through issues from middle school with my therapist right now. It was also not a great time for my husband. Whenever either of us have a reason to talk about middle school, we both have a visceral shudder response, and can’t resist saying something about how freaking AWFUL it was.

Our son is a couple years away from going to middle school himself, and it’s become clear to me that we need to stop trash talking the whole experience. I don’t want him to spend the next two years dreading it because his parents couldn’t manage their stupid emotional responses.

I also think that, if he has a positive attitude — AND a strong toolkit of social and emotional skills — going into it, that will increase his chances of having a good time.

This article in The Atlantic spells out some of the major issues with middle school, why adults have an automatic shudder response to it, and how we could make it better with a couple of small changes — from a systemic lens.

My focus here, however, is to provide some guidance for helping our tweens through this awkward transition on a personal level.

Researchers and regular folks all agree — the middle school transition can be rocky. Helping kids build a strong foundation of social and emotional skills in the years leading up to that transition is key.

So, what difficulties do middle schoolers face?

How can we prepare them for this weird time when they’re still in elementary school, or support them through it when they’re actually there?

It’s never too late to work on these skills with kids — even if your kiddo is smack in the middle of middle school turmoil, you can still guide them through the experience and prepare them for what’s to come next.

Let’s look at some of the social and emotional obstacles and how to prepare kids for them and/or help them through them.

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The Best Marriage Advice I Ever Received

This post was originally written a few years ago (my parents have now been married for 42 years, and my husband and I for 12). I’m resurfacing it because it serves as a great reminder for me as life gets busier and more complex. My hope is that you find a nugget or two that resonate with you, as well!

I’d also add that this piece of advice is solid for ANY relationships we have — friends, kids, colleagues, parents, siblings, etc. I’d love to hear your thoughts on the topic!

My mom, like most moms, gives me loads of advice. Much of it is about marriage. Thankfully, she’s not annoying about it. Maybe that’s why we’re still so close. 🙂

I usually take her advice seriously, because I know that she is a very happy person and has a lot to offer in the way of wisdom. I don’t subscribe to every single thing she says—who does?

But this one piece of marriage advice has stuck with me, and I swear by it:

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Help! My Kid Likes Me Best!

This post is another blast from the past! While I’m still the default parent (a term I heard a while back and find totally fitting), things aren’t as dire as they once were. I do still use some of the strategies I outline in this post when I notice lopsidedness sneaking back in. Just yesterday, my daughter was super excited about the lunch place we were going to and said, “Thank you sososososososo much, Mommy!” I told her to thank Daddy because he’s awesome and made the decision. As with most things in parenting and partnership, the work doesn’t ever fully end — it just changes.

Hey! My kid likes me best. Isn’t that awesome?

Wait. A. Second.

This is actually not all awesome.

If you’re the one your kid likes best, I’m sure you get what I’m saying. If you don’t feel me yet, check out this scenario:

It’s nearing bedtime and you’ve spent the day doing all kinds of parenting tasks: preparing and serving meals, brushing teeth, putting on and taking off shoes, providing potty assistance, playing cars, playing superheroes, playing more cars and more superheroes, and so on. You are tired. You say, “Daddy needs to help you get into your pajamas now.” This is met with a flood of tears and screams of “You do it! I want Mommy to do it!!”

Ugh.

Not only is it exhausting, it’s also heartbreaking.

Is there a way to guide children toward being kinder to the parent who is not the “preferred” one? How can we do it without making it into an awkward situation every time?

I’m Overwhelmed! What’s Going On and How to Manage It

What do you do when you feel overwhelmed? Have you thought about it?

How does your body feel? What’s going on in your mind? How’s your productivity?

I’ve been thinking about these things a lot lately, and paying attention to my own (not great) habits. After noticing my tendency to just not do anything worthwhile when I’m overwhelmed, I started wondering why. Then I started wondering how to fix it and move on.

The biggest problem here is that I’m pretty overwhelmed right now, which — true to form — is making me totally unproductive.

I have had to force myself to sit down each day and tackle the things that are making me feel like I’m under water. Including writing this blog post.

When you’re trying to build a business for yourself that is reliant on writing and showcasing yourself as an expert in a particular field through your writing, it’s pretty important to keep… writing.

But building a business is overwhelming (and frustrating as heck, but that’s a different topic altogether). Learning how to use social media to market myself has been a lot. Researching and cold-emailing prospective clients is waaaaay out of my comfort zone.

As usual, I decided to use my current struggles to frame a blog post that I hope will help other people while simultaneously helping myself. Bonus!

5 Great Ways to Get Kids Involved with Community Service

One of the cornerstone components of social and emotional skill development is that of empathy. When we can understand the feelings and perspectives of others, we can truly connect with each other. It’s much harder to be mean to people when we understand them.

I believe that most people are innately empathetic. I also believe that it’s a skill that needs to be honed throughout our entire lives. One way to keep growing empathy in ourselves and in our children is through community service.

When we engage with our community through service, we allow ourselves to experience true human connection while doing something that feeds our souls. Research shows that volunteering increases our happiness — it also has several other benefits.

So — as busy people caring for smaller busy people, how do we get involved with community service? I’ve compiled a few ideas here that are fairly low-effort. Some can be much higher effort, if you’re so inclined! 😁

The Unease of Starting Something New

As I try to begin a career in freelance educational content production and editing in earnest, I find that I’m faced with the unease of starting something new. I need to market myself and my skills, which generally leaves me feeling overwhelmed and sick to my stomach.

I know that I am a capable and competent writer and that I have expertise in some areas (namely social and emotional learning). This isn’t enough to get a career off the ground, however. I need to have connections. And to make connections I need to network… and sell myself.

UGH networking and selling myself. Both of those things make me extra super uncomfortable!

So my question as I got started was: How on earth do I sell myself as a writer, copy editor, and curriculum developer?

The answer didn’t excite me.

Lots of sites said I should start working on my social media strategy. I’ve been a casual social media user since the days of MySpace, but have mostly kept to personal updates on Facebook intended for my close friends and family. I’ve dabbled in Instagram and Twitter, but haven’t really found footing there yet. LinkedIn has always been a bit of a mystery to me, honestly! I have posted a couple things there but I have no idea what I’m doing.

Which leads me to this:

I have no idea what I’m doing with my “social media strategy” in general.

I’ve never had a social media strategy — and venturing out on this with no experience scares me. I can feel my anxiety start to creep in.

It makes me want to not even start.

Here are the questions that swirl around in my head, especially when I think about making short-form videos like Instagram Reels:

What could I possibly say that anyone would care about?

How can I ever come up with enough content related to the subjects I write about on my blog?

Will all of this effort actually help me?

How do I ensure the privacy and safety of my family?

Do I even want videos of myself out there for all to see?

I don’t know the answers to any of these questions. But I do know that if I don’t try it, I’ll never know.

So, I’ve decided to just start, and to make the fumbles and failures along the way a part of my exploration on my blog. This will be an exercise in self-compassion for sure! It will likely be a long and bumpy road, and I need to be kind to myself.

Maybe my social media strategy will fizzle and I’ll never get it truly off the ground. On the other hand, maybe it’ll be something I find enjoyable and that others eventually connect with.

I’m going to hope for the best on this one, but if the worst happens (what’s the worst that could happen?!) I’ll be okay, too.

I saw this tweet the day after I wrote this post and it made me laugh out loud. 😀

Here’s what I’ve done so far:

Made a content calendar (that I’m already behind on! Haha)

Listed blog ideas

Listed reel ideas

Started a few blog drafts (including this one)

Listing things and making plans always makes me feel better when I don’t want to start something.

What do you do when you’re afraid to start something new?

I’d love for you to share in the comments!

6 Simple Ways Teachers Support Students Each Day

It’s no secret that teachers can do amazing things. Some teachers create incredible lessons that have far-reaching and long-lasting impacts on students and the larger community. Others speak at conferences and write books, inspiring millions. We hear about teachers who become administrators, bringing their expertise and love of the profession to greater numbers of students each year.

What we hear about less often, however, are the day-to-day, common things that teachers do that seem, at first glance, to be no big deal. I’ve had the pleasure of being immersed in the world of K-8 education for 20 years. (I discuss some of my classroom experiences here.) During this time, I have witnessed the profound impact of these “little” things on the wellbeing of students. Here are some things I’ve noticed teachers do regularly.

Greet students

This is a common practice, and you can probably find it in almost every book about classroom culture, almost every article about preparing for the school year. There’s a reason it’s so prevalent. It’s easy to do, and it sets the tone for the day — the students matter, and the teacher is happy to see them. While not every teacher can be at the door each day, this Edutopia article illustrates how powerful greeting students at the door can be.

Start each day fresh

Even the most well managed, respectful, positive classroom can have a bad day. When twenty or thirty different personalities are squeezed into the same room for 6 hours each day, difficulties are bound to crop up from time to time. When teachers begin each day anew, without baggage from the day before, it is a small reminder to students that they are in a safe space. They know that their off days won’t negatively affect future days.

Group students thoughtfully

When I was teaching, I used to change the seating chart regularly, as I noticed things that were and weren’t working. Two students may have needed to be separated because they were disruptive together. I may have moved a student who needed more support next to a helpful, kind student who I knew would provide that support. There are also multiple times during the school day when students work in pairs or groups. Educators put a lot of time and care into these groupings. Sometimes it’s better to have students who are all reading at the same pace together, and sometimes it’s better to mix things up. It’s a real skill, and often overlooked, to know how to group students for different purposes in the classroom.

Teacher with groups of students at desks — Groupings can change multiple times a day, depending on what’s going on in the classroom! (Photo by Kenny Eliason on Unsplash)

Have a routine

Daily routines are incredibly important for children. Knowing what to expect each day helps students feel safe and prepared (see this article for more).

Share a bit of themselves

Students need to know their teachers are human. Knowing their teachers as whole people allows students to feel comfortable asking for help or opening up about difficult things. When teachers talk about times when they’ve persevered through a challenge or worked through their own mistakes, students are given implicit permission to take risks and make mistakes as well. Find more about sharing (but not getting too personal!) here.

Be there

Probably the most simple thing of all, being there is also one of the most important things teachers do. When students know they can expect their teacher to be there each day, their sense of security and trust increases. When students can trust their teacher and feel safe coming to school, they are more ready to learn. (Of course, it’s also important to take days off when you need them! Everyone needs time away now and then.)

There are many more ways that teachers positively impact the lives of our children each day. It’s hard to pick them all out because most of them are super subtle — but they’re there!

If you have a teacher in your life, find time to thank them for all the little things they do. You never know how much they may need to hear it!

And, finally, to all the educators in my life, you are amazing and I appreciate you!

How Video Games Develop SEL Skills

Video games have long had a bad reputation, especially when it comes to kids. Playing video games is — rightfully — considered screen time. If we spend too long on a screen for any reason, there are undeniably negative effects. I’ve seen my own kids turn from super-happy, “Mom’s the best!” angels into ball-of-fury, “How DARE you!” monsters at the mere mention of turning off the game.

HOWEVER.

I actually am a proponent of video games. I grew up playing Atari, Nintendo, and Super Nintendo. In college, my best friends and I spent hours on the GameCube (remember the GameCube?!).

This! This is the GameCube. It even had a handle on the back for easy transportation! 😀 (Photo by Paweł Durczok on Unsplash)

Post graduation, I got myself a Wii. Most recently, I finally pandemic-bought the Switch.

I am a child of Nintendo, and I also have rich and satisfying relationships, a teaching credential and a master’s degree, and a fulfilling career. Video games did not lead me to become more violent, withdrawn, or zombielike.

Of course I have to state a few caveats.

Like everything, the type of game matters, there have to be time limits, and there’s the potential for addiction. We have to be observant and vigilant.

The detriments will be greater and the benefits fewer or less pronounced if there’s no caring adult to support the life skills that the games have the potential to help develop. Kids will likely get some benefit passively, but having a coach by their sides is helpful.

Coming Back from the Breaking Point

The days leading up to winter break 2020 were some of the most difficult, in terms of my mental health, that I’d experienced in a very long time.

I’m generally fairly vulnerable in my blog writing, but in order to do this issue justice, I’m going to have to really make myself uncomfortable here. I’m tense and sweaty even thinking about it! But I imagine that there are other people out there who have been or are on the verge of being in the same situation. So… here we go.

Persevering Through the Pandemic — and Beyond — with Social Connection

I’ll be the first to admit it — I’m terrible at keeping in touch. Like, pretty awful. I’ll like all the Facebook and Instagram posts, and most of the time I’ll respond to texts. But initiating real, meaningful contact with people is a pretty big weak area for me. I tell myself I’ll reach out when XYZ, but then XYZ comes and goes and for whatever reason, I’m still silent.

This is not good and I know it. It’s not good for my relationships and it’s not good for my mental health. This has only become more pronounced as the pandemic has isolated us all more than ever. So, I am vowing to make 2021 my year of connection.

How does this relate to you, or to the general theme of social and emotional learning (SEL)?

Perseverance and SEL

Perseverance is a huge topic in the world of SEL, and in 2020 we had to persevere more than ever! As we dip our collective toes into the waters of 2021, I think we can all agree that the conditions that caused perseverance to be so critical last year are still swirling around in there, though perhaps a touch diluted.

Once we dive in — and we will have to dive in, no matter how reluctant we are — we’ll have to keep our heads above water, our arms moving, and our legs kicking. This requires a lot of self-awareness, one of the five SEL competencies as defined by the Collaborative for Academic, Social, and Emotional Learning (CASEL). We have to understand ourselves well enough to know what will motivate us to keep moving when treading water gets tough. Are you motivated by financial stability, the wellbeing of our family, helping to create a better future for others, or a lovely vacation on the horizon?

What keeps you going?

Once you’ve figured out what keeps you motivated to stay afloat even when you’re exhausted and facing so many obstacles, remember that you don’t have to do it alone — nor should you. This is where another SEL competency comes in: relationship skills. Social connection is vital to perseverance. As one of my personal heroes, Brené Brown, says, “Connection is why we’re here; it is what gives purpose and meaning to our lives.” You need people, and — this may be obvious, but juuuuust in case you need a reminder — people need you, too!

Research on Perseverance and Social Connection

According to the CDC, the COVID-19 pandemic has led to elevation of anxiety, depression, and suicidal ideation. The CDC stopped short of asserting a direct correlation between the pandemic and these elevated mental health issues. However, we might draw the conclusion that the social isolation caused by the pandemic has contributed to them. It’s so easy to get sucked into our day-to-day routines — feeding ourselves (and our kids or pets, if we have them), keeping ourselves and our homes clean, working, and maaaaybe exercising — that we forget to reach out to our support networks. Or maybe we’re too mentally exhausted at the end of the day to expend more energy on socializing. I’m looking at you, fellow introverts!

In the 2012 article “Building your resilience,” the APA placed building social connections first in its list of resilience-building strategies. When we are struggling to get by due to mental, physical, or any other type of strain, it can be easy to retreat from others as we attempt to right our ship alone. Yup, I’m totally mixing metaphors here, with the treading water and the righting ships, but you get me!

While our ability to persevere is ultimately our own responsibility, it is completely okay and actually better if we include friends and family in our journey. Even if we don’t explicitly need help from them, their presence in our lives will be helpful. Just having someone to talk with and feel connected to can help us so much.

Since we’ve been in this pandemic for a while, now there is some research specifically related to it. A study based in Austria during the COVID-19 pandemic lockdown found interesting correlations between the size of participants’ social networks and their levels of worry, anxiety, and fatigue. The authors state, “Our findings highlight the important role that social connections play in promoting resilience by buffering against negative physical and mental health outcomes, particularly in times of adversity in times of adversity.”

Staying Connected During a Global Pandemic

As we continue to stay home and avoid crowds, nourishing those oh-so-vital connections with others becomes difficult. Before the pandemic, it seemed that my family and I were always with our people. We spent the weekends bouncing between our parents’ houses, the soccer field, and various birthday parties. Now, we feel like we’ve had heavy socialization if we manage to arrange a socially distant hike with local friends.

While in-person interaction is limited during this time, we don’t need to be socially isolated. There are plenty of ways to stay connected. We just have to get a little more creative and commit to spending a bit more time in front of a screen than we would otherwise. I know, I know… I get Zoom fatigue too! We must fight through the pain and the eye strain to keep up those connections, friends! Here are some great ideas for us all, from the National Alliance on Mental Illness. There are some things there I haven’t thought of before, and I’ll be putting a couple of them into practice this year, for sure.

So, who’s with me? Want to join me in working harder to stay connected this year? Let’s all band together to help each other tread that water and right those ships! We can and will persevere through this pandemic and beyond — especially if we do it together.

5 Tips for Working from Home

Working from home is new for a lot of people. Well, not totally new at this point, but it definitely takes time to find a rhythm with this setup. Even if you’ve been doing it now for many months, you may still struggle with how to make the best of it.

I’ve been working from home for the past four years, and over the course of those years I’ve accumulated a few tips that I’d love to share with you now. It should go unsaid, but I’m gonna say it anyway: These are things that have worked for me, and I know that not all of them will work for everyone. I am not an expert in this, I’ve just been doing it a while and I hope you gain one or two new things to try!

1. Get out of your seat

I know the transition to working in a home office (if you’re lucky enough to have a home office) is incredibly difficult. You’re used to walking around all day — from the car to your office, between offices to talk with your colleagues or hop into meetings, or to pop off to grab a coffee or lunch out of the office. Don’t let your situation stop you from still walking around. Set a timer for yourself. Every hour, just get up and take a break – walk outside if you can, but any movement will do. I even count the walk to the washroom or the kitchen. Just get that blood flowing! (Full disclosure: I totally don’t do this as much as I should. Some days I only manage to get up and move around a few times — but it’s my goal!)

2. Leave the snacks in the kitchen

Speaking of the walk to the kitchen, that’s where I keep my snacks! It’s so easy to overeat when we work from home. All our favorite treats are just waiting for us. But if we keep them in the kitchen and not at our desks, at least they’re not just a drawer pull away. When I was teaching, I kept snacks at my desk. But because I was up and around so much, I rarely sat at my desk and so rarely snacked. As we spend more time at our desks, those snacks need to move away.

3. Remove the computer from your personal space

I’m lucky enough to have an office at this point in my work-from-home career. Once I realized it was going to be a permanent situation, we turned the guest room into a combo guest room/office. If you don’t have the room for that, you should try to find a spot for it where you won’t walk by it constantly — or cover it with a blanket or towel when you’re not working, like it’s a sleeping bird — whatever it takes to keep you from being drawn back into work mode when you should be caring for yourself.

4. Turn off personal notifications during work hours

This is sort of the reverse of #3. I used to keep my personal email notifications on during work, and found that it was just terribly distracting. If someone is emailing you, they’re generally not expecting an immediate response. It’s 100% okay to let those emails sit there until the end of the day. Try to keep work at work, and home at home as much as you can.

5. Set realistic expectations

When I started working from home, I thought the (housekeeping) world was my oyster. I was going to use breaks during the day to clean the house, cook masterpiece meals, and create epic birthday parties. I was going to meditate, do yoga, and stay in better touch with my friends. I was going to DO IT ALL. Wellllll then real life set in, and I did basically none of those things. During my breaks at home I do what I’d have been doing in an office. I make a quick snack, run through social media, maybe take a quick walk outside, then head back to my desk. At first I was pretty disappointed in myself for not conquering the world, but there’s only so much one person can do. You gotta rest sometime.

Bonus tip: Remember to be social!

This one can get tricky, as you work in the silo of your home. Having some social interaction in your day is VITAL. I try to connect with colleagues on a personal level when possible (easy enough to do when one/both of you have kids popping in to see what’s going on when you’re in a meeting) and take a second to text friends silly GIFs. One of my incredible colleagues has also set in motion a weekly virtual happy hour and a monthly virtual game night for our whole staff. People come when they can and stay as long as they can. It’s so important to continue nurturing personal relationships, in whatever way works best for you.