Though I wrote this original post when we were still in the midst of the pandemic, I believe that we can now read it as a “lessons learned” piece. The five tips toward the end of the article are things that we should still be doing. All the time. Let me know what you think in the comments! What pandemic-era lessons have carried through for you?
In March 2020 — Friday the 13th, I’m pretty sure, actually — when I went to pick up my kids from school, I had no idea that would be the last time I would do that for about a year. I’m on the verge of tears even writing that. I had no idea that our interactions with loved ones would be so limited and strange for so long. I had no idea the wild emotional ride we were about to begin.
Kids all over the world were jolted out of what was normal and plunged into this weird, isolated, anxiety-filled environment. Whether you’re a parent, teacher, or other caregiver, I know you can probably relate to all of the things I’m about to say about how the pandemic has affected kids.
And, whether things are opening back up where you live or not, things won’t be “normal” for a long time. In this post, I may be stating a lot of obvious things, but my hope is that it will help us to feel connected and not so alone. I also hope to provide a few strategies for helping kids persevere through this challenging time, some of which includes strengthening their social and emotional competencies.
How the Pandemic has Affected Kids
In truth, a lot of how the pandemic has affected kids is quite related to how it’s affected us. Either the impacts are the same because we’re in the same basic situation, or they’re in response to our own emotional state.
A Reflection of Our Emotions
We aren’t able to provide the type of environment for our kids that we’d like to. We can’t plan events for the kids to look forward to due to the unpredictability of surges and shutdowns. We’re worried about ourselves or our loved ones getting gravely ill. We’re struggling to balance all of the new demands and challenges. We are feeling lonely and isolated.
This is a recipe for a less-than-patient adult presence in a child’s life. We (this is just my experience, but I’m assuming I’m not alone) feel inadequate and stretched thin. This can manifest in any number of ways that affect our kids’ emotions as well. We’re also more anxious and depressed, which kids pick up on.
Social Isolation
My husband and I have tried to get creative with providing our kids socialization. We’ve set up Minecraft playdates, video calls with family and friends, socially distant hikes and bike riding, and a Zoom birthday party. But these efforts can’t possibly come close to the intense social interaction that kids get at school. Our kids are used to navigating relationships without us over their shoulders. They’re used to being super goofy and playing made-up games with other little people their same age (and energy level).
We may try to replicate these experiences at home, but there’s no substitute for the kind of play that happens in a school environment. There are only so many times a well-meaning parent can engage in a conversation about the latest Minecraft update and how it impacts gameplay… Not that I have any experience with that.
Time states it well: “For schoolagers and teens, being with parents is all downside, and being with friends is everything. In the case of the pandemic, that essential socializing is out of the question.” They, and many others, liken the pandemic to other shared American disasters, such as Hurricane Katrina and 9/11. One thing that helped kids heal from these traumatic events, however, was socialization. I just can’t put into words how heartbroken I was reading this. It’s so obvious and yet so distressing — the one thing that can make the biggest difference in their ability to overcome this trauma is the very thing that has created the trauma. Ugh.
While it may seem obvious, it’s worth noting here: Experts see a correlation between social isolation and an increase in anxiety and depression in children and adolescents. Some researchers are also cautioning that there may be mental health effects that crop up later in life.
Lack of Extracurriculars and Boredom
The removal from school and after-school programs has led to a serious drop in the number of new experiences my kids can have. My son was always trying new things through not only his classroom teacher, but also the wide variety of affordable on-campus after-school classes and his enrollment in the Boys and Girls Club program. Now he’s limited to what my husband and I can bring to the table in knowledge, materials, and time.
This leads to another effect: boredom. I’ve noticed my own kids languishing in the house, doing their best to be creative but often coming up short because they’re in the same place day in and day out. In a normal life, their toys and art supplies remain sort of fresh and new because they’re only experiencing them in the evenings and weekends. Now, they’re with the same stuff (not to mention the same people) alllllll day every day. They’re so bored. Which, as I’m sure you know, leads to all kinds of awesome stuff, including whining, drawing on stuff that’s definitely not paper, and fighting with each other.
Other Effects
This NBC News article dives into other consequences of school closures, including absenteeism, lowered test scores, and an increase in hunger. While I know that districts, schools, and teachers are trying to deal with these issues the best they can, the inability to reach people face to face is a true hindrance. It makes me wonder how we’ll get back to actual normal when we finally do get back to “normal.” The road to healing and normalcy will be a long one, but there are several things that we can all do to help nudge things in the right direction.
5 Tips for Counteracting the Effects of the Pandemic
1. Stick to routines when possible.
This one really hits home for me, since my 8-year-old son is extremely routine oriented. For his birthday, for example, we let him plan the whole day. At 10:00 he scheduled a walk. He hates going for walks. I asked him why he’d schedule a walk on his birthday, and he said, “We always go for walks at around 10 on the weekend.” This kid’s routine is his life. And really, routine is quite important for most kids, even if they aren’t quite as Type A about it as mine. While it may be tough to stick to exactly the same thing every day, incorporating small routines can be very helpful.
2. Have empathy for heightened emotions.
This is another point that is very personal to me, but one I struggle with it much more than building routines. There is exponentially more crying in my house right now (not limited to my kids, haha) and it’s really tough to step out of my own stress and anxiety to take a breath and speak calmly with my kiddos and help them through the emotion. My reflex is to say exasperatedly, “It’s just [a tiny scratch/homework/bedtime], why are you cryyyyyyyyiiiinnnnnngggggg?!” But I do my very, very best to take a breath and put an arm around the affected little ball of emotions and empathize. I try to dig into my own emotions and relate — and, honestly, that’s easier during all of this than it was before. I have a lot more big emotions than I did, as many of us do in the midst of all of this.
3. Model self-awareness and self-management.
Understanding ourselves and what we need to do to make it through tough times is a huge part of resilience. We do these things in big and small ways every day. It’s important to share those things sometimes with our kids, so they can see what that looks like.
I try to be open with my kids about my own self-awareness and then prompt them to explore a similar thing when it’s relevant. For example, “I’m feeling nervous about a meeting I have at work today and I know that a hug from you would make me feel so much better,” and then when my son feels nervous or anxious, “Remember when you gave me a hug and I was less nervous about my meeting? It seems like you might be feeling nervous right now. What can help you calm down? Let’s try it.” If you want other ideas, PBS has some great strategies for teaching self-awareness and self-control.
4. Keep trying those connection strategies.
They may feel strained, awkward, and just challenging, but keep working on ways to help your kids connect with the people who love them. An article in Greater Good states: “Long-term studies of children who have weathered adversity like poverty or even Hurricane Katrina consistently find that those who were the most resilient had the most supportive relationships outside the immediate family.” While it’s long been known that supportive relationships offset adversity, it’s worth emphasizing that these relationships need not be with the child’s parents. Efforts to increase social connection will not only strengthen your child’s resilience — it will also help them to continue developing critical relationship skills, something that school closures has hindered.
5. Keep lines of communication open.
Remind your kids that you’re there if they need to talk, and even if they don’t. Try to find those small moments of connection between yourself and your child, to ask how they’re doing — really. Sometimes it takes my son quite a while to tell me what’s really on his mind. He wants me to think that this isn’t affecting him much, but then after some more conversation, he’ll come around to telling me that he’s sad that we couldn’t go camping with our friends this year, or that he is really struggling to enjoy school this year.
I don’t badger him every day, but every week or two I take a moment to ask how he’s doing. If he’s reluctant, I name one or two things that I’m happy about and one or two things I’m sad about. I don’t want to be all doom and gloom, or lead him to telling me something he’s not truly feeling. But if I open the door for those feelings he’s more likely to talk freely.
Yes, our kids are undeniably going through a very difficult time. But with the support of loved ones (ANY loved ones), they will make it through and be stronger than before, right alongside us. Whether you’re teaching or you’re a primary caregiver, give yourself some credit. You’ve persevered through so much already, and you’ve been doing the best you can. Chances are, you’ve done better than you think!
Keep your head up and keep loving those kids.