This morning I broke down. I was feeling really lousy about something and I just couldn’t keep my emotions at bay. When my husband asked what I was thinking about as I stared off into space, I promptly began sobbing and the floodgates were open.
Then my son came back to the table, book in hand, asking me to read to him while he ate his breakfast. Avoiding eye contact with him, I quickly wiped my tears away and began reading with as controlled a voice as I could muster. Z was none the wiser.
I felt good, because I was able to keep our morning going smoothly and he didn’t have to deal with a sobbing mama and the potential awkwardness that might bring along with it.
Then I checked my Twitter feed and saw an article by Six Seconds, basically saying that we need to talk about feelings with our kids in order to develop their sense of empathy. While the focus of the article is mainly on simple activities you can do to help children be aware of their own emotions, the point was driven home: I have to be more open about how I’m feeling if I want Z to be able to recognize and empathize with others’ emotions.
As I did more research, I found some other great reasons to stop shielding my son from my negative feelings.
Why do we hide negative emotions?
In truth, I had never really thought about this practice before. I vaguely remember some conversations with various friends around the topic, but I hadn’t put in any serious time thinking about why I tend to do this.
Am I doing what I was taught? (nah, not at all)
Am I afraid of appearing weak? (maybe a little)
Am I trying to shield him from any negativity? (probably a lot)
After a little consideration, I really think that this comes from a hardwired desire to make sure Z’s life is just as happy as it can be. He’s naturally a very happy child, and I don’t want him to be acquainted with sadness, frustration, discouragement, or anger unnecessarily. I think that, if I expose him to my own negativity, he will experience it secondhand.
In an article in Psychology Today, Jessica Grogan Ph.D notes that this compulsion in parents to mask any negative emotions comes from a deep-seated cultural expectation that we are to “maintain our composure at all times around our children.” We hear all the time about providing children with a “stable” home, but does that mean our emotions have to remain in check at all times?
What is the impact of shielding children from these emotions?
Later in her article, Dr. Grogan proceeds to point out that when parents “protect” their kids from their authentic feelings, it harms both the parent and the child. Over time, the parent begins to feel strained and exhausted from the effort, and the child—who likely senses that everything is not hunky dory—might feel that her parent is rejecting her in some hard-to-pinpoint way.
The well-intentioned act of suppressing negative emotions might affect our kids in another unfortunate way. Author Tim Lott suggests that when children are not exposed to the whole range of parental emotion, they may grow up with the idea that feeling anything other than happy or even-keeled is shameful.
When I thought about it for a second, it seemed so darned obvious. Every time Z is upset, we make a point of telling him, “I know you must be really [sad/angry/frustrated] right now, and it’s okay to [cry/be upset], but it’s not okay to [hit/kick/scream/pull Mommy’s hair].” But then he never sees either of us truly upset!
Of course, my husband actually doesn’t really ever get upset, which is kind of weird and should probably be examined (kidding!), but I do! And Z should be able to see me be upset and know that it is something that is normal and also something that will pass.
What is my conclusion?
It seems like a big ol’ “DUH” at this point. My conclusion is that I need to start being more honest and authentic with my kid. He needs to see that it’s okay to cry when you’re a grown up, too.
And I think it’s really important to help him come to the understanding that the storm will blow over. I just came to that realization as I wrote this post, actually!! As a person who has had a lifelong struggle with anxiety and depression, I think that helping my child understand that the low times are really, truly temporary is extremely important.
Often, when I am in a depressive state, it can feel as though it will never get better. I will be sad forever. Those times can feel quite painful. It’s important to me to help my kiddo see that sadness doesn’t last forever, and it does get better.
How can I do that if all he sees is happy Mommy?
(Well, and angry-because-Z’s-not-following-directions Mommy, but that’s different.)
Is it as simple as “let them see you upset?”
No. I don’t think it is. I think that’s just the start.
While reading this article by Monica Beyer, I was really struck by one major idea: We have to assure our children that we are not upset because of them. Kids are naturally self-centered, and if they see us upset, they will probably just assume it’s something they did or something they need to fix somehow.
There are a few things we need to try to get across as well as we can without overloading them:
- what’s happening
- why we’re upset
- that it’s not going to change their lives in any meaningful way
- that it has nothing to do with anything they did (unless it’s because they’re not following directions!)
- that you will be okay after a little time passes, and that they don’t need to “fix” anything in any way
**Empathy-related side note: I think that the strategy above is also useful in developing our children’s sense of empathy. If we really give our emotions names and explain why we feel them, our kids can start to understand people more fully. They will have an easier time understanding why someone might be upset in a different, similar situation. When we understand people, it is more likely that we will be empathetic toward them.
So much of what I’ve been learning about social and emotional development focuses on modeling, and this is no different. We’ve got to model handling upsetting situations in whatever way we handle them, and then model getting over them and moving on.
Our kids have to know it’s okay to feel sad, frustrated, angry, disappointed, or any other negative emotion, not because we tell them, but because we show them.
Have you had any experience baring your emotions to your kids? How did it go? What did you say or do? What advice would you give to someone adopting this mindset for the first time?
Again, another great article. I agree with EVERYTHING you wrote. My guess is Z picked up on you being upset. Kids are smart that way. And when we hid the “truth” from them, they often think it is about them. My opinion is kids should see true feelings, so as you said, they can learn to deal with true feelings. We just have to make sure we keep it on their level. Kids should never have to deal with adult situations.
Yeah I agree! I definitely would not have gone into great detail about why I was upset. Maybe just something like, “I am feeling really sad right now because something didn’t happen the way I was hoping it would.” That gets to the heart of the problem without overcomplicating it, I think. Good point!
Very well-written and thought provoking article Cat, you are a gifted writer. Certainly makes think as I am guilty of hiding my own emotions from Keaton, as knowing he is a sensirive kid I worry he will be too affected so tend to not. However your points and how sharing at an age appropriate level (and I tend to think more periodically vs always) can not only encourage empathy but helping them develop the resilience that makes negotiating life/problems easier resonates. So something I will now be more concious of/tumed into. Thanks for the food for thought.
Thank you so much, Karissa! And you are definitely right, we should for sure not include them in every single negative emotion we have. Especially if we are going through a particularly rough patch. That would be pretty overwhelming for the little guys.
Wow! When I was reading this I was wondering “how can we show the kids that this is how adults feel and that it’s temporary and you have to work through it?” Then you said it, you tell them the truth (age appropriate of course) and then show them how to do it (that may be the hardest part because you’re still trying to work through it yourself).
Nice job answering my questions as I was asking them. Very good article. Keep it up.
Thank you! I’m glad I was so on top of things! 😉
I look at this as another side to modeling self-care. Children are brilliant and emotional, so they pick up on everything. To say we aren’t upset when they intuitively know that we are must be very confusing. They know we’re lying to them but they don’t know why. They might learn that they are supposed to keep negative emotions to themselves. Or they might not learn to recognize negative emotions in others because we tell them to ignore those signs (thus ignoring their own intuition, an entirely different and crucial topic), everything is really okay. To attempt to cover up our sadness seems inconsistent when we otherwise try to be straightforward with children (at least I do and I think you do, too).
My child usually knows when I’m upset. I either explain why I’m upset or tell him that, while I am in fact sad/angry/frustrated, he doesn’t need to know the details because it’s grown-up stuff that he shouldn’t have to worry about. I try to reassure him that everything will be fine and it always is so he has no reason to doubt that.
Our branch of the family seems to have an over-abundance of empathy, and his empathy levels seem healthy, so I try to focus now on teaching him to make himself a priority. Help others, but not at your own peril. Love yourself first and most. Make sure you aren’t giving so much to others that there is nothing left for yourself. Say no to people when you want to. Take time for yourself to do what you enjoy. Managing emotions in a healthy way is just a part of that larger goal. I try to model that behavior and hope he picks up on it.
I appreciate your insightful posts and the thought you put into them.
Thanks for such a thoughtful reply, Julai! That’s a wonderful idea, to be sure our kids are taking care of themselves, too. We often worry so much about how they are treating others, we don’t think about the fact that they may not be treating themselves kindly. Thanks for bringing that up!!