How I Picked Myself Up After Job Loss (And Whether It Lasted)

We’ve all experienced setbacks. This is just a fact of life. It doesn’t matter how smoothly things appear to be going—something, at some point, will trip us up. How do we dust ourselves off when this happens? And, once we do, how easy is it to stay standing?

My exploration of self-kindness today is through the lens of my (not-so-recent-anymore) layoff. I had found my dream job for a really wonderful organization with a mission that I truly believed in. I was writing language arts curriculum with a social-emotional focus, and I was just beginning to feel like I was becoming competent.

Then the whole thing began to fall apart. The organization was financially unstable and they did a few rounds of layoffs. I was part of the second round.

As soon as my department head called my name, I crumpled. I sobbed unashamedly in the middle of the office. And then I got right to work—on beating myself up. I don’t know about you, but when I beat myself up I generally use a classic one-two punch approach:

• Punch One: Negative self-talk
  • I should have worked harder; they would have kept me.
  • I should have been more social at work.
  • I am never going to find another job like this. I was so lucky they hired me here.
  • Why am I not more successful?

• Punch Two: An endless list of worries
  • We just bought a house! How will we keep making payments?
  • We have a 3-year-old in preschool and want to have another baby.
  • If I pull Z from preschool and then find another job, I’ll have to search for a preschool all over again. But if I keep him in preschool and am unemployed for a long time, that is a waste of money and makes me feel like a bad mom.
  • What if I can’t find another job?
  • What if I find another job and hate it?
  • How can I contribute to our income in the meantime?
  • I’m going to turn into such a lazy slob. 
  • How am I going to keep my depression at bay so that I can be a good mom, wife, daughter, and friend to those I love?

So, how did I attempt to pick myself back up?

I’ve been able to pick out six pretty solid moves I made to get my head out of the fog of negativity:

1. I forced myself to change my internal dialogue. Some of the things I told myself were pretty cliché, and maybe didn’t work so well, but I really tried to change my mindset.
   • It wasn’t my fault.
   • I really WAS doing a great job. They were just struggling financially.
   • This is not the end of the world; worse things happen.
2. I focused on other things that made me feel productive. I worked hard on my son’s third birthday party and planned activities for him to do after preschool (actually DOING the things I’d pinned from Pinterest, believe it or not), cooked a lot, and helped plan a baby shower. Distraction is not a solution, but sometimes it does make us feel better!
3. I got out of the house each day to get some exercise. Mostly I just walked, but it felt great!
4. I set up a lovely workspace that helped cheer me up as I began searching for work.
5. I asked for help. I think this is the most important thing I did for my state of mind. It was really hard for me. I always think I’m bothering people. In the end, however, people were incredibly gracious and more than willing to offer whatever they could.

Did It Last?

Um, it sort of lasted. Honestly, it’s been such a rollercoaster of emotions—one day I’m feeling super hopeful and keeping up these positive behaviors, and the next day I’m despairing, criticizing myself, and can barely get out of bed.

Thinking and doing things for ourselves that make us feel better and keep us on an upward trajectory can be very difficult. What is important, I think, is that when we falter on our journey of self-care and self-compassion, we eventually find our way back.

I’d love to hear from you—how have you picked yourself up and practiced self-compassion when dealing with one of life’s challenges? Leave your thoughts in the comments!