How to Encourage Sharing without Forcing It

What is our responsibility as parents when we see another child asking our child for the toy he’s playing with? Do we attempt to force sharing? Do we let them work it out on their own? What will be best in the long run? Is there a right way to go on this?

I’ve seen plenty of defiantly-worded blog posts about why parents don’t make their kids share. While I can understand where they are coming from in a way, I am not fully convinced that we should not at least encourage our children to share. It seems like a fundamental life skill. I’m honestly still sort of on the fence about how hard we should push for sharing, so I think it’s worth exploring.

The Case Against Making Kids Share

After reading through several articles about the detriments of sharing, I can see how there are definitely gray areas that we need to figure out. Among them, this situation stood out:

My child was happily playing with his toy at the park and another child tried to grab for it and/or asked to play with it.

I saw a couple of bloggers compare this to a scenario in which an adult is driving a car and another adult decides she wants to take the car. This seems like a pretty extreme example, but it does make an interesting point:

Why should I let some random person use something that belongs to me just because she wants it?

In Judy Dutton’s article “How Forcing Kids to Share is ‘Traumatizing’ Them,” Laura Markham, Ph.D. says that, in a situation like the one at the park, “there’s no agreement between the kids to play together, so why would he be required to share his toy?”

This makes a sort of sense to me. We’re not on a play date. We’re not at someone’s home. We’re not even buddies. Why must my son let you play with his toy?

Now, I’ll pose this scenario in two ways related to sharing as an adult, each of which involve borrowing a phone (less drastic than the car):

Situtation 1: I’m on my phone and a stranger comes up and asks to use it. To check Facebook.

Situation 2: I’m on my phone and a stranger comes up and asks to use it. To call a cab.

So, sure, of course I’d let the guy use my phone to call a cab. I’d share in that instance. But if someone wanted to check Facebook? Nope. I’d be totally weirded out. I think the “kids in the park” scenario is more on par with the Facebook scenario. The kid doesn’t need to use the toy for any purpose other than recreation. Why should I force my child to stop his play in order to let another kid use the toy?

Do I always share? No. In fact, I will be perfectly honest and say that I have a reputation among my family as someone who is… well… less than willing to share food. Sure, I’m happy to cook for everyone and share in that sense.

But if you want something from my plate?? Forget it.

I am like a stray dog scrounging from a trash can. If you come near my plate, you’re lucky if I don’t pierce your hand with my fork. I don’t know why I respond that way, but it’s just a reflex.

I hate sharing my food. And I avoid it if possible.

The Case for Making Kids Share

I firmly believe that sharing is a basic life skill. You will be called upon to share so frequently in life! You’ve gotta learn to do so freely and happily.

And sometimes you may even have to put down your weapon…er, fork… when someone wants a bite of your food, and let them try it. Maybe. Sometimes.

Anyway… I think it truly is something we should encourage our children to do. Learning to share nicely helps our children to develop two of CASEL’s core social-emotional learning competencies: social awareness and relationship skills.

Social Awareness: When children share, they are tapping into their understanding of what someone else might want or need. They are developing their sense of empathy. They are also helping to build a sense of community among their peer group.

Relationship Skills: Along the same lines as building community, sharing helps to strengthen relationships between children. It helps them to develop the skills of listening, cooperating with others, and working out conflicts that will undoubtedly arise in a sharing situation.

When we learn to share at a young age, it becomes second-nature to do so as adults. If you think about it, you share your possessions and yourself (love, encouragement, advice, time, etc.) on a fairly regular basis.

For example, many of my friends and I are beginning to have children. One of the most amazing things has happened in the last few years, which is actually something I really didn’t expect. Hand-me-downs are really a thing. Among our circle of friends, clothes, toys, and other baby/toddler gear gets passed back and forth constantly. When someone’s kid grows out of an item, the item gets passed to whoever’s kid is ready for it.

I have something. I’m done with it. You need/want it. I let you use it.

In most cases, it is understood that we are borrowing from each other, and the items go back to their original owners once our children are finished using them. This is grown-up sharing. And it is not only awesome, it is so super useful for everyone involved! Tell me you’re not stoked to have that huge bouncy jumper thing out of your house!

When I was teaching, it was a given that we shared materials, lesson plans, and time with each other. If anyone needed anything, there was no question he or she would be able to find it from another teacher. Heck, we even shared our teaching with each other! When a teacher was sick and there were no subs (which was shockingly often), every teacher in that grade level would take a few of his or her students.

How Do We Foster Sharing Without Forcing It?

Along the same lines as my thoughts on apologizing, I have come to the conclusion that making our kids share when they are super duper not into it is not so constructive. I’ve been there before, and it generally just leads to a struggle and nobody is happy:

My kid is all worked up and still refuses to give up the toy, the other kid is still without said toy, and I am frustrated and feel like a terrible person and mom because I can’t make my kid be nice. Ugh. No fun all around.

Heather Turgeon describes a really great approach to encouraging her son to share without forcing him to do it against his will. Basically, she taps into his developing sense of empathy. She tries to get him to see the situation from the other child’s perspective. If her son still doesn’t want to share, she asks him to explain to the other child that he’s still using the toy, and then asks him to give it to the other child when he’s done with it.

I will be working on using that strategy when Z is faced with sharing. Any time we can use a situation to help our kids develop a strong sense of empathy, I think we’re doing our kids, ourselves, and society a favor.

What are your thoughts? Is teaching our kids to share unnecessary? Am I way off base here? What do you do when sharing becomes an issue?