empathy Archives - Embracing Kindness

How to Prepare Elementary-Aged Kids for Middle School

Researching and writing this blog post brought to the surface many of my latent heebie jeebies surrounding my own experience in middle school.

I first thought of the topic a SUPER long time ago, then let it sit in the back of my brain for months. I finally sat at my desk with a huge sigh and started my research and outline. That work became an untouched resident of my Drafts folder for another month.

Some Context

Middle school was not… the BEST experience for me (I elaborate on that a bit in this old post). In fact, I may or may not be working through issues from middle school with my therapist right now. It was also not a great time for my husband. Whenever either of us have a reason to talk about middle school, we both have a visceral shudder response, and can’t resist saying something about how freaking AWFUL it was.

Our son is a couple years away from going to middle school himself, and it’s become clear to me that we need to stop trash talking the whole experience. I don’t want him to spend the next two years dreading it because his parents couldn’t manage their stupid emotional responses.

I also think that, if he has a positive attitude — AND a strong toolkit of social and emotional skills — going into it, that will increase his chances of having a good time.

This article in The Atlantic spells out some of the major issues with middle school, why adults have an automatic shudder response to it, and how we could make it better with a couple of small changes — from a systemic lens.

My focus here, however, is to provide some guidance for helping our tweens through this awkward transition on a personal level.

Researchers and regular folks all agree — the middle school transition can be rocky. Helping kids build a strong foundation of social and emotional skills in the years leading up to that transition is key.

So, what difficulties do middle schoolers face?

How can we prepare them for this weird time when they’re still in elementary school, or support them through it when they’re actually there?

It’s never too late to work on these skills with kids — even if your kiddo is smack in the middle of middle school turmoil, you can still guide them through the experience and prepare them for what’s to come next.

Let’s look at some of the social and emotional obstacles and how to prepare kids for them and/or help them through them.

5 Great Ways to Get Kids Involved with Community Service

One of the cornerstone components of social and emotional skill development is that of empathy. When we can understand the feelings and perspectives of others, we can truly connect with each other. It’s much harder to be mean to people when we understand them.

I believe that most people are innately empathetic. I also believe that it’s a skill that needs to be honed throughout our entire lives. One way to keep growing empathy in ourselves and in our children is through community service.

When we engage with our community through service, we allow ourselves to experience true human connection while doing something that feeds our souls. Research shows that volunteering increases our happiness — it also has several other benefits.

So — as busy people caring for smaller busy people, how do we get involved with community service? I’ve compiled a few ideas here that are fairly low-effort. Some can be much higher effort, if you’re so inclined! 😁

When Your Nice Kid Befriends the “Mean Girl”

A friend of mine recently posted something on Facebook that made me feel pretty anxious and reminded me that there are some rocky roads ahead. She has a nice, kind daughter, and the little girl has decided that she wants to be friends with the resident “mean girl.”

My first reaction to that is, “Oh heck no! Find a way to discourage that!” But as I sat with the issue a bit, I rethought that position. Continue reading “When Your Nice Kid Befriends the “Mean Girl””

Why I Won’t Ask About Your Family Plan

It’s not that I don’t care about your family. I do.

If I know you, your family is super important to me. I absolutely love hearing your stories and swapping tales of bliss, humor, and frustration.

If I don’t know you, I know your family is important to you, and I’d love to chat about it.

So, what’s stopping me from asking you about your family plan?

Continue reading “Why I Won’t Ask About Your Family Plan”

Help! My Kid Likes Me Best!

This post is another blast from the past! While I’m still the default parent (a term I heard a while back and find totally fitting), things aren’t as dire as they once were. I do still use some of the strategies I outline in this post when I notice lopsidedness sneaking back in. Just yesterday, my daughter was super excited about the lunch place we were going to and said, “Thank you sososososososo much, Mommy!” I told her to thank Daddy because he’s awesome and made the decision. As with most things in parenting and partnership, the work doesn’t ever fully end — it just changes.

Hey! My kid likes me best. Isn’t that awesome?

Wait. A. Second.

This is actually not all awesome.

If you’re the one your kid likes best, I’m sure you get what I’m saying. If you don’t feel me yet, check out this scenario:

It’s nearing bedtime and you’ve spent the day doing all kinds of parenting tasks: preparing and serving meals, brushing teeth, putting on and taking off shoes, providing potty assistance, playing cars, playing superheroes, playing more cars and more superheroes, and so on. You are tired. You say, “Daddy needs to help you get into your pajamas now.” This is met with a flood of tears and screams of “You do it! I want Mommy to do it!!”

Ugh.

Not only is it exhausting, it’s also heartbreaking.

Is there a way to guide children toward being kinder to the parent who is not the “preferred” one? How can we do it without making it into an awkward situation every time?

Hiding Negative Emotions to Protect Children

This morning I broke down. I was feeling really lousy about something and I just couldn’t keep my emotions at bay. When my husband asked what I was thinking about as I stared off into space, I promptly began sobbing and the floodgates were open.

Then my son came back to the table, book in hand, asking me to read to him while he ate his breakfast. Avoiding eye contact with him, I quickly wiped my tears away and began reading with as controlled a voice as I could muster. Z was none the wiser.

I felt good, because I was able to keep our morning going smoothly and he didn’t have to deal with a sobbing mama and the potential awkwardness that might bring along with it.

Then I checked my Twitter feed and saw an article by Six Seconds, basically saying that we need to talk about feelings with our kids in order to develop their sense of empathy. While the focus of the article is mainly on simple activities you can do to help children be aware of their own emotions, the point was driven home: I have to be more open about how I’m feeling if I want Z to be able to recognize and empathize with others’ emotions.

As I did more research, I found some other great reasons to stop shielding my son from my negative feelings.

Continue reading “Hiding Negative Emotions to Protect Children”

How to Encourage Sharing without Forcing It

What is our responsibility as parents when we see another child asking our child for the toy he’s playing with? Do we attempt to force sharing? Do we let them work it out on their own? What will be best in the long run? Is there a right way to go on this?

I’ve seen plenty of defiantly-worded blog posts about why parents don’t make their kids share. While I can understand where they are coming from in a way, I am not fully convinced that we should not at least encourage our children to share. It seems like a fundamental life skill. I’m honestly still sort of on the fence about how hard we should push for sharing, so I think it’s worth exploring.

Continue reading “How to Encourage Sharing without Forcing It”

Fostering vs. Forcing: Elementary Apologies

I’m currently exploring the issue of that thin line between fostering kind behavior and forcing it on our children. As I explained in my previous post about preschool apologies, I get frustrated by the inauthenticity that accompanies forced apologies. This is something that I experience in my daily life as the mom of a preschooler, but it’s also something I struggled with as second- and sixth-grade teacher.

In this post, I’ll be sharing my experiences with the issue in an elementary school setting, and then outlining some strategies for moving away from forcing insincere apologies and toward fostering heartfelt resolutions. If you’re more into the funny/exasperating tales of my little three-year-old tornado, not to worry—there’s plenty more where that came from, just not this week!
Continue reading “Fostering vs. Forcing: Elementary Apologies”

Fostering vs. Forcing: Preschool Apologies

“Cole told me that my shirt is an ugly color!!”

“Cole, please tell Malia that you’re sorry.”

“But it IS ugly!”

“That’s not nice, and it hurts Malia’s feelings. Please apologize.”

“Sooooooorrrrry, Malia.”

Sound familiar? Yeah. This happens so, so often. It happens at home and it happens in the classroom.

In my experience, preschool-aged children tend to say they’re sorry with one foot out the door, tingling with the excitement to get back to whatever they were doing. They apologize as quickly as possible, with a look like, “Okay? Are you happy? Can I go PLAY?”

In elementary school, a lovely eye-roll or some other show of “sorry-not-sorry” might accompany the forced apology, and then the students return to the activity they were previously engaged in. There is no genuine resolution to the issue, no exploration of how the other child felt, and no follow-up.

In both cases, we usually just make the kids say they’re sorry and go about our business.

Because we’re busy.

Because being told your shirt is an ugly color is really not the end of the world.

Because neither the kids nor you wants a lengthy discussion, anyway.

Because we think it helps the accuser feel heard.

Because we are teaching them to be kind to each other.

Because that’s what we’re supposed to do.

But IS that what we’re supposed to do? Is this REALLY teaching kids how to be kind to each other?

Continue reading “Fostering vs. Forcing: Preschool Apologies”