A friend of mine recently posted something on Facebook that made me feel pretty anxious and reminded me that there are some rocky roads ahead. She has a nice, kind daughter, and the little girl has decided that she wants to be friends with the resident “mean girl.”
My first reaction to that is, “Oh heck no! Find a way to discourage that!” But as I sat with the issue a bit, I rethought that position. Continue reading “When Your Nice Kid Befriends the “Mean Girl””
I love talking to him—he’s so funny and creative, conversations are usually pretty interesting.
I love reading to him—he is a very enthusiastic book lover, and that gives me an insane amount of joy.
I love snuggling with him—we snuggle every morning, and it always starts the day off right.
I love watching him draw—he has this crazy innate talent (and love for it) that I can only assume was a recessive gene from his grandmothers, because neither Josh nor I have much in the way of artistic ability!
The other day I was talking with one of my best friends, when the topic (as it often does) turned to Adventures in Childrearing. Specifically, we were talking about how our kids are starting to ask the tough questions. As interesting as it is to see our little babies grow into these critically-thinking mini-people, it can be really, really tricky when they ask questions that have deep, and sometimes disturbing, answers.
In these early years, they’re still so little.
How much should we really say? We have to walk a fine line between totally glossing over something that deserves to be discussed and overwhelming them with unnecessary, sometimes scary, information.
The question that really got my friend and I thinking and talking was that of “stranger danger.”
Continue reading “NEVER Talk to Strangers?”
This post is another blast from the past! While I’m still the default parent (a term I heard a while back and find totally fitting), things aren’t as dire as they once were. I do still use some of the strategies I outline in this post when I notice lopsidedness sneaking back in. Just yesterday, my daughter was super excited about the lunch place we were going to and said, “Thank you sososososososo much, Mommy!” I told her to thank Daddy because he’s awesome and made the decision. As with most things in parenting and partnership, the work doesn’t ever fully end — it just changes.
Hey! My kid likes me best. Isn’t that awesome?
Wait. A. Second.
This is actually not all awesome.
If you’re the one your kid likes best, I’m sure you get what I’m saying. If you don’t feel me yet, check out this scenario:
It’s nearing bedtime and you’ve spent the day doing all kinds of parenting tasks: preparing and serving meals, brushing teeth, putting on and taking off shoes, providing potty assistance, playing cars, playing superheroes, playing more cars and more superheroes, and so on. You are tired. You say, “Daddy needs to help you get into your pajamas now.” This is met with a flood of tears and screams of “You do it! I want Mommy to do it!!”
Ugh.
Not only is it exhausting, it’s also heartbreaking.
Is there a way to guide children toward being kinder to the parent who is not the “preferred” one? How can we do it without making it into an awkward situation every time?
Continue reading “Help! My Kid Likes Me Best!”What is our responsibility as parents when we see another child asking our child for the toy he’s playing with? Do we attempt to force sharing? Do we let them work it out on their own? What will be best in the long run? Is there a right way to go on this?
I’ve seen plenty of defiantly-worded blog posts about why parents don’t make their kids share. While I can understand where they are coming from in a way, I am not fully convinced that we should not at least encourage our children to share. It seems like a fundamental life skill. I’m honestly still sort of on the fence about how hard we should push for sharing, so I think it’s worth exploring.
Continue reading “How to Encourage Sharing without Forcing It”
“Cole told me that my shirt is an ugly color!!”
“Cole, please tell Malia that you’re sorry.”
“But it IS ugly!”
“That’s not nice, and it hurts Malia’s feelings. Please apologize.”
“Sooooooorrrrry, Malia.”
Sound familiar? Yeah. This happens so, so often. It happens at home and it happens in the classroom.
In my experience, preschool-aged children tend to say they’re sorry with one foot out the door, tingling with the excitement to get back to whatever they were doing. They apologize as quickly as possible, with a look like, “Okay? Are you happy? Can I go PLAY?”
In elementary school, a lovely eye-roll or some other show of “sorry-not-sorry” might accompany the forced apology, and then the students return to the activity they were previously engaged in. There is no genuine resolution to the issue, no exploration of how the other child felt, and no follow-up.
In both cases, we usually just make the kids say they’re sorry and go about our business.
Because we’re busy.
Because being told your shirt is an ugly color is really not the end of the world.
Because neither the kids nor you wants a lengthy discussion, anyway.
Because we think it helps the accuser feel heard.
Because we are teaching them to be kind to each other.
Because that’s what we’re supposed to do.
But IS that what we’re supposed to do? Is this REALLY teaching kids how to be kind to each other?
Continue reading “Fostering vs. Forcing: Preschool Apologies”
When I was an elementary school teacher, I once attended a staff development meeting about… well, I’m not sure what it was about, to be honest. But the speaker was an incredibly animated man with some quirky presentation habits. It’s probably due to these odd behaviors that I never forgot his presentation. Maybe he did it on purpose!
Anyway, this man talked about what our more challenging students were going through when they were having meltdowns. He described the very front part of the brain, the prefrontal cortex, as the place that was shutting down when the students were so emotionally charged. Because the prefrontal cortex deals with self-control, the shutting down of that portion of the brain leads to a shutting down of self-control. His point was, basically, that we needed to be patient with these students and not attempt to reason with them in that moment. Continue reading ““In His Cortex”: Tantrums and Self-Awareness”
